Do I Love Sushi more than My Kids?
I got all rolled up into myself!
The other night I was trying to make sushi rolls for dinner. I emphasize the word “trying”.
If you’ve never done this before, imagine trying to roll your dinner up in a sticky piece of wet tape. Even though I have successfully pulled this off on several previous occasions, it wasn’t going well this go around. The stupid things were falling apart and it turns out I had more rice stuck to my arms than in the sushi! And to make matters worse I had spectators. Two of my sons wanted to watch ‘the master’ whip up some sushi (I whipped it all right).
I was under a lot of pressure and found myself becoming more frustrated by the minute. And would you believe that right in the middle of all this my six year old had the nerve to ask me questions? The audacity! And he wouldn’t quit….question after question after question. Plus he was fidgeting!
I just couldn’t work under those conditions. I told him that if he couldn’t sit still and be quiet he would have to leave the room. And guess what? 5 seconds later he was back at it!
That was it; I told him he had to leave. And that’s what he did. He quietly got up and walked out. After standing there in silence, I came to the realization that at that moment I was not only failing at sushi, but also as a father.
What was going through his little mind?
“Dad loves that sushi more than he loves me.” That’s what he was thinking. Dang that stings!
I know this is not exactly a case of child abuse, but it demonstrates an important point:
Our children see anything that draws our attention away from them as competition for our love.
Through the lens of a six year old, this sushi incident was pretty black and white. “I want to spend time with dad, but he doesn’t want me around because I’m less important to him than what he’s doing.”
Of course that’s not true, but perhaps it’s not entirely false. Nothing in this world could ever be more important to me than my children. But let’s take a closer look at what really happened. If I’m being perfectly honest with myself, I would have to admit that in the heat of the moment, I placed more value on getting dinner completed than on my son’s feelings. I justified my behavior by thinking that what I was doing was really important, that he’ll get over it soon enough and probably forget it even happened.
That’s what we do right? We rationalize; we try to convince ourselves that there’s a good reason to do a bad thing.
But there is only way to describe my behavior: selfish! It’s so easy to get caught up in what we’re doing and put ourselves first.
So who are your children’s competitors?
Maybe you’ve never had a similar incident with raw fish, but there’s a good chance you can relate to my story. What competes with your child for your attention?...a hobby?....career?....television? We all have a plethora of things in our lives pandering for our attention, and many of them are legitimate. But that’s not the point. We need to demonstrate to our kids through our actions that our love is unconditional. They only know what we show. We do this by making the most of the opportunities we have with them, and quite simply putting their feelings before our own selfish wants and desires.
If I had a second chance, I would forget about trying to form a perfect sushi roll and focus more on involving him in the process and just have fun with it! Wouldn’t that send a different message to an impressionable child?
The great news is that we do have second chances….and third, and fourth, and fifth chances. It’s never too late to change. It’s never too late to improve a relationship. Kids are very forgiving, that’s probably why we take their feelings for granted so often. But there comes a point in a relationship where too many withdrawals from the emotional bank account result in bitterness and a loss of trust. Let’s not let that happen with our children. We love them too much. Let’s make sure we show it.
I'd be interested to hear your take on this. Maybe your a sushi freak and see nothing wrong with it. Please comment below.
3 Steps to Curing ‘Daydreaming Dad Syndrome’
Giddy-up Dad!
“Hey Dad…..Dad…..Daaaaaaaaad!”
I know when I’ve heard that for the second or third time I’m suffering from a case of ‘daydreaming dad syndrome’, or DDS for short. I'm in the same room with them, but mentally I'm not with them at all. They're playing on the floor and I'm sitting on the couch thinking about what’s for dinner, stuff at work, a cool blog idea, or anything else except what’s going on in their lives at that moment. What’s completely baffling is that I do this despite the fact that there is nothing on earth I’d rather be doing than spending quality time with my wife and kids. How can I insure that I stay present? How can I make the most of the precious time I have with my kids?
Here are 3 Steps to Curing the ‘Daydreaming Dad Syndrome’:
1. Eliminate the Distraction
Let's turn the TV off, put the Blackberry down, close the laptop and stop daydreaming….there is a time and place for those things, and there’s a time and place for our children to have our undivided attention. The first step in having quality time with our kids is to remove the things that divert our attention away from them. They can feel it too….can't they? I have had my two year old daughter position herself beside me while I was typing a work email on the blackberry and place her little hands on my cheeks and literally turn my head away from it so I was looking at her. Talk about a wake-up call! The truth is that the email can be sent later, the show can be TiVo’d, and the laptop’s not going anywhere…..it’s time to be present.
2. Have a “Yes” Mentality
“Dad can you read me a book?” “Dad will you play a board game with me?” “Dad, come check this out!” “Dad can you find batteries for my game?” “Dad, will you come ride bikes with me?”
What’s your first thought? Is it to look for the first excuse to say "no"? We always find excuses….actually we always use the same two don’t we? It’s either we’re too tired, or we don’t have time.
Let’s see:
- Am I too tired to let my child know how important they are to me?
- Am I really too busy to spare a few minutes of my time so I can get closer to my kid?
I’m sorry to say this, but I know how I'll answer when they’re grown and gone.
Dads, we need to have a “Yes” mentality. Sure, there are times when “no” is the legitimate answer, but I’m not talking about that. It’s the way we think about spending time with our kids. We need to see every appeal for our time as an opportunity. One that if taken advantage of, brings happiness and strong family bonds; and one that if consistently missed breeds resentment and regret.
3. Get Engaged
Grab some toys, jump in, and start playing with them. Learn the theme song to their favorite show and sing it with them. Tell them they can have anything they want for breakfast next Saturday and cook it for them. Built a fort out of sofa cushions and sheets and hang out in it with them. Make sock puppets and have a crazy puppet show from behind the couch with them. Get to know them; be on their level; remember what it was like to only worry about one thing: finding the perfect Lego piece to finish a cool monster robot. Sometimes I go weeks without rolling around on the floor with them like a big idiot. When I realize I’ve been a grown up for way too long and start acting crazy again, their faces light up. It’s like, ‘hey, cool….dad’s back!’ That should never happen. I should never spend a day with them without being fully engaged in their lives.
Dads, there’s no debating the fact that we have a lot on our plate. There are many distractions, we are genuinely busy, and yes even tired most of the time. But the reality is that our children see how we spend time with them as a reflection of our love. They can’t see what’s going on inside our heads, all they can see is Dad sitting there not paying any attention to me….and it hurts.
Here’s a challenge to us all, especially myself: Let’s live every day with our children as though it were our last. Let’s live every moment so when we look back when they are grown and gone we have no regrets. It’s my testimony that the spiritual and emotional welfare of our family is paramount. Our children have to know how important they are to us, they have to understand their inherent value, and they have to know they are loved by their dads. They will need all of the confidence and courage we can help them obtain, and it all begins with Lego’s and sock puppets.
As always I'm interested in what you think. Have you ever struggled with this? What have you found that helps you stay present when spending time with your children?
