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Man’s Role During Birth: From Scared Spectator to Soul Mate

When my wife went into labor with our first son Grayson I immediately went into freak-out mode.  I remember trying over and over to put my socks on so I could go to the hospital.  But for some reason I couldn’t get them on.  Then I realized I was trying to put my underwear on my feet!  All I knew is that I was supposed to get to the hospital asap and time those contractions.  “Are you having one?...Are you having one now?...Is it over yet?” I kept asking.  I’m surprised my wife Chrissy didn’t clock me in the head.  During labor I was absolutely clueless.  I didn’t know what was going on, my wife was in severe discomfort, and I felt completely out of control.

The fact is that I was out of control.  I know and accept that now.  And I get a good laugh at myself when I compare my role in the birth of our first child to that of our fifth child Daniel who was born only five days ago.

Daniel’s birth couldn’t have been more different.  Anxiety was replaced with serenity; confusion with connection; and underwear with socks.  But how did I get from point A to B?  The fact is that the birth of each of our children Grayson (11), Seth (7), Isaac (4), Lily (2), and now Daniel brought me to a new level of consciousness regarding my role in the birthing process.  I clearly played a different role with each of my children.  In reflecting on each of these roles, I can see how they can each be compared to various roles associated with a game of football.  Hey, even though this article is about birthing, I can still think like a dude!

First and 10 centimeters

First Child Grayson:  I was the spectator

I watched the game from the stands; in fact it was like the first football game I had ever seen because I didn’t really understand what was going on.  I just sat there and cheered when everyone else did.

Second Child Seth: I Worked On the Chain Crew

You know the guys who stand on the sidelines holding the orange sticks, that was me.  I was as close as one could possibly get to game without actually being involved.  I was there mentally, emotionally, and spiritually but didn’t really take an active role in the process.

Third Child Isaac:  Assistant Coach

I knew the playbook inside and out and was able to make an impact on the outcome of the game, but still wasn’t as connected to the quarterback (my wife) as either of us would have liked.

Fourth Child Lily: 2^nd String Offensive Tackle

I was definitely on the field contributing and the outcome was spectacular.  Through this birth, Chrissy and I found a connection on another level and it changed our relationship forever.  However, we both agreed that although I played an extremely supportive role, she spent the majority of her labor in her own space.  Witnessing this alone was miraculous; watching someone transcend the pangs of physical pain with the hope and excitement of bringing a new life into the world.

Fifth Child Daniel: Starting Center

If you’re familiar with football then you know that the center and quarterback have to function as one entity in order to allow a smooth and seamless transition of the ball from one to the other.  In the game of football, this is as close as I can get to what Chrissy and I experienced with the birth of Daniel.

Before Daniel was born Chrissy expressed her desire for us to remain connected through the entire birth process.  I knew what she wanted, and I knew that the only obstacle to making our goal a reality was me.  If I’m being honest, I had always been a little jealous of those guys who were brave enough to blatantly disregard other’s perception of them and become fully engaged with their spouse during the birth of their children.  I had not previously done so because I was scared.  Scared of what?  I’m asking myself that question right now as I write this.  Scared that I would look silly; scared that I would make a mistake; scared that I wouldn’t fully connect with my wife if I did try…I think deep down these are all reasons.  However, there was no fear 5 days ago.  It was magical, it was intimate, and it was absolutely miraculous.  We stayed connected through the entire process and we shared the experience as though we were one person.  I had no idea such a thing was possible, but now I know that it is.

Here are 3 Things I’ve Learned Since the birth of Our first Child:

1.  Be Present

Don’t think about who’s in the room, food, sports, or what you’re doing later.  Focus on NOW!  You don’t get many of these moments, and the only way to fully experience this is to live it while it happens.  Take a moment to observe the room, your wife, your breathing, her breathing, everything that’s happening now.  Being present will be a tremendous help to the entire process.  When someone we care about deeply loses a loved one, there is nothing we can say or do that can make any difference at all except being present for them.  Our love and presence is all we really have to give.  Isn’t it interesting that our presence alone can make a huge difference when a life comes into this world as well?

2.  Relinquish Control

You’re mate is the all-time quarterback in this game, and God is calling the plays.  You cannot control the situation.  It takes us guys a while to get used to that.  A successful birth requires a setting of no resistance because it’s a natural process.  Standing over a flower will not make it blossom, and being in a state of non-acceptance will not make a positive difference in the birth of your child.  Full acceptance, however, does invite serenity and can make a profound impact on your spouse and the setting in general…plus it just feels better.

3.  Make her Feel Beautiful, Because She is

Motherhood is a divine calling and birthing can bring out the divinity in a woman.  You can help her embrace that divinity by supporting her physically, emotionally, and spiritually throughout the process.  Messaging, kissing, holding, encouraging, engaging, breathing together, connecting, these are all things a man can do to support his wife on all levels.

I need to take a moment to thank God, my wonderful wife Chrissy, and our amazing midwife Nancy for this wonderful experience we’ve shared together and will never forget.  Chrissy and I are changed forever and I’m totally exited to see what the future holds for our family.  As people we can change, we can evolve to higher levels of consciousness, and we can use grand events in our lives to help take us to the next level.   But regardless of what happens, I think I'll leave the quarterbacking to my wife:)

Please feel free to share your thoughts and feelings below.  Thanks!