Unconditional Love, Christmas Parades, and my boy’s ‘Pant’s on the Ground’!
Happiness Comes through holding on to those we love.
Have you ever been in a public place and had one of your children embarrass the heck out of you?
A couple of years ago we decided to take our family of six to the local Christmas parade. Now, keep in mind this is a small town, where everyone knows everyone. Anyway, the parade begins and our family is parked on the curb watching the bands play, gathering candy, and marveling at the mini cars….everyone’s having a blast. Then I look over, and all I see are my three year old son’s butt cheeks right in front of me. He decided to go potty right in the middle of the street, in front of the entire crowd!
Now as a parent, there are two possible reactions here: to drop everything, leave the child with his pants down, and run and hide your face in shame, or to accept ownership of the naked boy and deal with the situation. I’m not saying who did what, but I chose one and my wife chose the other….we still get a good laugh out of that one!
That’s a very lighthearted story, but it really illustrates how we tend to react in one of two ways to the actions of our loved ones. We either focus on them, or we focus on ourselves. Focus on them, on their wants and needs, is unconditional love. We accept them for what they are and love them regardless of their actions. Focus on ourselves brings selfishness and embarrassment, and is based on conditional love. If you meet my standards, you win my affection. One builds the loved on up, and the other tears them down.
This holiday season, as we spend time with our loved ones, let’s make sure they know we love them for who they are and there’s not anything they could do that would make us love them less….the way our Heavenly Father loves each of us. This is the true essence of Christmas.
A Moment of Holiday Frustration!
- Are we raising armies of mindless consumers?
I just laid a ground rule in the house (and I never do this): all toy catalogues go directly into the trash. For the past several years my kids have adopted the habit, all on their own, of sitting down with the little Toys-R-Us mailers and circling the toys they want for Christmas.
I’m thinking: “Great, why wait until Christmas to allow them to focus entirely on themselves when the unbridled selfishness can begin 6 months in advance?”
I said that they learned this “on their own”, but that’s a tremendous miscalculation. This is something that’s been taught to them (and us) from the moment they we’re born.
As soon as we’re old enough to stare at the television we’re told an incredulous lie: we need stuff to make us happy.
My daughter turned three in August and she is the most precious snuggle muffin in the world. She’s recently developed the habit of saying “I want that!” every single time a “girl” commercial comes on television. This makes me sick! “I want, I want, I want, I want…..”
How about “I want…..to forget myself and serve others?”….that’s the message that needs to permeate our homes! Let’s hit out kids with that one from all angles.
Let me make one thing clear, my 5 kids are the most gracious, serving, and selfless kids I know, but I see a shift towards selfishness as Christmas draws near; and it’s because I see this change in such awesome kids that it makes me absolutely sick. We do teach about Christ in our home. We do teach the true meaning of Christmas. We do focus on serving others first and putting ourselves last, but my fear is that the volume of the worlds message is greater than ours.
This has forced me to ask : Who controls the remote control in my home?
This has finally reached critical mass for me and it's time to hit the “mute” button. It’s clearly not possible to “serve two masters”.
Anyone else frustrated?
Meeting Critical Deadlines while at Total Inner Peace
How do you function spritually when 'under the gun'?
When Adam was cast out of the Garden of Eden he was told “by the sweat of thy face shalt thou make thy bread all the days of thy life.”
From that day forward man has had to meet the economic demands of this material world in order to sustain the life of himself and his family. The challenge associated with this isn’t necessarily in providing the essentials of life; it’s in meeting these demands while recognizing that we’re really spiritual beings in the midst of a material world.
We become so identified with hungry children, impatient bosses, and rush-hour traffic that we fail to connect with God, the source of everlasting life who can empower us to meet these demands with joy and total inner peace. This is the secret of finding joy here on earth: to embrace 100% of our duel nature; giving all our energy to both meeting the physical demands of life and remaining in conscious contact with God. To live in such a way that from the moment we wake in the morning until our head hits the pillow at night we work our butts off to accomplish our tasks while all the while remaining in a state of complete joy and bliss. Now wouldn’t that be nice?
Here are 3 Ideas or Remaining in a State of Inner Peace while accomplishing the Tasks of Life
1. Life vs Life Situation
It helps to recognize that there’s a difference between our life and our life situation. Our life is the essence of who we are, the part of us that God created, the part that is unchangeable and unaffected by our surroundings. Our life is priceless, eternal, and divine. Our life situation, however, is in perpetual transition. It is our surroundings and the circumstances we find ourselves in at any given moment. When we confuse our life with our life situation we become identified with our surroundings and believe that they can either add or detract from what God intended us to become.
I’ve used this analogy before, but we are like a deep lake where the entire disturbance occurs on the surface. Peace and serenity are found below the surface in the depths of the water. The lake is not defined by what happens on the surface, and we are not defined by the constant chaos and commotion of our life situation.
2. Play the Game
Once we understand that our life situation cannot add or detract from who we are, we can look at life as somewhat of a game. Imagine playing a video game. While in the game your focus is on winning, otherwise you wouldn’t be playing, but you know that whether you win or lose makes no difference because the game will end and you’ll move on to something else. We can look at this life the same way. When you’re under pressure to accomplish a certain task, give everything you have to accomplishing it, but remember that life is just a game. Sometimes we see it as a sucky game, but a game none-the-less. This empowers you to see the world from an eternal perspective and to dis-identify with your life situation, allowing you to connect with God regardless of the circumstances.
3. Squash your Ego
Our ego is a thought we have about who we are, nothing more. It only lives in our mind, but it is the single greatest deterrent to connecting with God and having inner peace in our daily lives. It tries to convince us that we are separate from others, that we are defined by the stuff we have and what we have accomplished, and that we are separate from God. It is the 3 year old kid inside us that screams “MINE!!!!” It is the part of us that becomes offended. It is the part of us that tries to convince us that we are superior or inferior to others. It is also the part of us that is worried about what others may think.
Becoming identified with our ego will absolutely guarantee inner turmoil regardless of how ‘good or bad’ our life situation may really be. We’ve all met people who seem to have everything but are utterly miserable, as well as people whose situation may really stink but are completely happy…..these are the opposite ends of the ego spectrum. How entrenched we are with ego will determine our level of inner peace while working to accomplish our goals.
The key to shedding layers of ego is to recognize it when it rears its ugly head. Say to yourself “Here’s my ego at work again.” Because the ego is nothing more than a thought, shedding light on it in this way will diminish its presence in your life. Just as shining a light in a dark room eliminates darkness, shedding the light of your consciousness on the ego will cause it to shrink allowing us to be at peace regardless of our circumstances or what tasks may await us.
What practices have you found that help you meet the demands placed upon you in a state of inner peace?
Man’s Role During Birth: From Scared Spectator to Soul Mate
The climax of a most spritual experience!
When my wife went into labor with our first son Grayson I immediately went into freak-out mode. I remember trying over and over to put my socks on so I could go to the hospital. But for some reason I couldn’t get them on. Then I realized I was trying to put my underwear on my feet! All I knew is that I was supposed to get to the hospital asap and time those contractions. “Are you having one?...Are you having one now?...Is it over yet?” I kept asking. I’m surprised my wife Chrissy didn’t clock me in the head. During labor I was absolutely clueless. I didn’t know what was going on, my wife was in severe discomfort, and I felt completely out of control.
The fact is that I was out of control. I know and accept that now. And I get a good laugh at myself when I compare my role in the birth of our first child to that of our fifth child Daniel who was born only five days ago.
Daniel’s birth couldn’t have been more different. Anxiety was replaced with serenity; confusion with connection; and underwear with socks. But how did I get from point A to B? The fact is that the birth of each of our children Grayson (11), Seth (7), Isaac (4), Lily (2), and now Daniel brought me to a new level of consciousness regarding my role in the birthing process. I clearly played a different role with each of my children. In reflecting on each of these roles, I can see how they can each be compared to various roles associated with a game of football. Hey, even though this article is about birthing, I can still think like a dude!
First and 10 centimeters
First Child Grayson: I was the spectator
I watched the game from the stands; in fact it was like the first football game I had ever seen because I didn’t really understand what was going on. I just sat there and cheered when everyone else did.
Second Child Seth: I Worked On the Chain Crew
You know the guys who stand on the sidelines holding the orange sticks, that was me. I was as close as one could possibly get to game without actually being involved. I was there mentally, emotionally, and spiritually but didn’t really take an active role in the process.
Third Child Isaac: Assistant Coach
I knew the playbook inside and out and was able to make an impact on the outcome of the game, but still wasn’t as connected to the quarterback (my wife) as either of us would have liked.
Fourth Child Lily: 2nd String Offensive Tackle
I was definitely on the field contributing and the outcome was spectacular. Through this birth, Chrissy and I found a connection on another level and it changed our relationship forever. However, we both agreed that although I played an extremely supportive role, she spent the majority of her labor in her own space. Witnessing this alone was miraculous; watching someone transcend the pangs of physical pain with the hope and excitement of bringing a new life into the world.
Fifth Child Daniel: Starting Center
If you’re familiar with football then you know that the center and quarterback have to function as one entity in order to allow a smooth and seamless transition of the ball from one to the other. In the game of football, this is as close as I can get to what Chrissy and I experienced with the birth of Daniel.
Before Daniel was born Chrissy expressed her desire for us to remain connected through the entire birth process. I knew what she wanted, and I knew that the only obstacle to making our goal a reality was me. If I’m being honest, I had always been a little jealous of those guys who were brave enough to blatantly disregard other’s perception of them and become fully engaged with their spouse during the birth of their children. I had not previously done so because I was scared. Scared of what? I’m asking myself that question right now as I write this. Scared that I would look silly; scared that I would make a mistake; scared that I wouldn’t fully connect with my wife if I did try…I think deep down these are all reasons. However, there was no fear 5 days ago. It was magical, it was intimate, and it was absolutely miraculous. We stayed connected through the entire process and we shared the experience as though we were one person. I had no idea such a thing was possible, but now I know that it is.
Here are 3 Things I’ve Learned Since the birth of Our first Child:
1. Be Present
Don’t think about who’s in the room, food, sports, or what you’re doing later. Focus on NOW! You don’t get many of these moments, and the only way to fully experience this is to live it while it happens. Take a moment to observe the room, your wife, your breathing, her breathing, everything that’s happening now. Being present will be a tremendous help to the entire process. When someone we care about deeply loses a loved one, there is nothing we can say or do that can make any difference at all except being present for them. Our love and presence is all we really have to give. Isn’t it interesting that our presence alone can make a huge difference when a life comes into this world as well?
2. Relinquish Control
You’re mate is the all-time quarterback in this game, and God is calling the plays. You cannot control the situation. It takes us guys a while to get used to that. A successful birth requires a setting of no resistance because it’s a natural process. Standing over a flower will not make it blossom, and being in a state of non-acceptance will not make a positive difference in the birth of your child. Full acceptance, however, does invite serenity and can make a profound impact on your spouse and the setting in general…plus it just feels better.
3. Make her Feel Beautiful, Because She is
Motherhood is a divine calling and birthing can bring out the divinity in a woman. You can help her embrace that divinity by supporting her physically, emotionally, and spiritually throughout the process. Messaging, kissing, holding, encouraging, engaging, breathing together, connecting, these are all things a man can do to support his wife on all levels.
I need to take a moment to thank God, my wonderful wife Chrissy, and our amazing midwife Nancy for this wonderful experience we’ve shared together and will never forget. Chrissy and I are changed forever and I’m totally exited to see what the future holds for our family. As people we can change, we can evolve to higher levels of consciousness, and we can use grand events in our lives to help take us to the next level. But regardless of what happens, I think I'll leave the quarterbacking to my wife:)
Please feel free to share your thoughts and feelings below. Thanks!
The Soap Bubble Incident
Endless possibilities!
In case you don’t know, the Hughes’ are “that family” in church. You know, the ones you try to avoid sitting near because it guarantees you’ll miss 90% of the message that day. We have literally came into church, sat down, and had the people sitting in front of us get up and move to the other side of the chapel….no joke.
In our defense we do have four kids and one on the way, plus my mother-in-law brings three other grandchildren. So we are outnumbered by little kids 7 to 3. At that point you have to switch from man-to-man to zone, and you’re pretty much give up on complete silence and go into damage control mode during the entire service to try to prevent a total melt-down. I personally love it and wouldn’t have it any other way, but in an attempt to improve our behavior at church we try to practice being reverent in our weekly Family Home Evenings.
One particular evening, Chrissy and I were trying especially hard to teach this principle, so we patiently spoke with the children at length about the importance of sitting still and being quiet. We had chairs lined up for them in the living room and asked them to practice perfect behavior during our short lesson.
Needless to say, it didn’t go well. Right off the bat there was restlessness, laughing, and even kids falling out of chairs. We tried to keep our cool, but we finally reached our breaking point after seeing that all of our efforts were having no effect. One of us, I won’t say who, lost it and had everyone march into the kitchen where a liberal dose of dish liquid was promptly administered to the mouths of three children.
After weeping, wailing, and gnashing of some very clean teeth we all went back into the living room to resume the lesson. I was in the center of the room and the kids were once again lined up in their chairs. For emphasis, I was sure to re-iterate the importance of being reverent in a short stern lecture. Now they knew we meant business….they were sure to straighten up. After concluding the lecture I asked if they were ready to start behaving. I looked over at them to find that all three had blown spit bubbles about the size of their heads with their soapy saliva.
What can you do at that point? There are only two options: you either explode with anger, or with laughter. We all busted out in hysterical laughter and ended up having a great lesson. Sometimes we need to remember that there’s more to the living the gospel than the way we look and act in church.
How about you? Does this remind you of anything you've had happen in your home?
Until next time, God Bless!
Do I Love Sushi more than My Kids?
I got all rolled up into myself!
The other night I was trying to make sushi rolls for dinner. I emphasize the word “trying”.
If you’ve never done this before, imagine trying to roll your dinner up in a sticky piece of wet tape. Even though I have successfully pulled this off on several previous occasions, it wasn’t going well this go around. The stupid things were falling apart and it turns out I had more rice stuck to my arms than in the sushi! And to make matters worse I had spectators. Two of my sons wanted to watch ‘the master’ whip up some sushi (I whipped it all right).
I was under a lot of pressure and found myself becoming more frustrated by the minute. And would you believe that right in the middle of all this my six year old had the nerve to ask me questions? The audacity! And he wouldn’t quit….question after question after question. Plus he was fidgeting!
I just couldn’t work under those conditions. I told him that if he couldn’t sit still and be quiet he would have to leave the room. And guess what? 5 seconds later he was back at it!
That was it; I told him he had to leave. And that’s what he did. He quietly got up and walked out. After standing there in silence, I came to the realization that at that moment I was not only failing at sushi, but also as a father.
What was going through his little mind?
“Dad loves that sushi more than he loves me.” That’s what he was thinking. Dang that stings!
I know this is not exactly a case of child abuse, but it demonstrates an important point:
Our children see anything that draws our attention away from them as competition for our love.
Through the lens of a six year old, this sushi incident was pretty black and white. “I want to spend time with dad, but he doesn’t want me around because I’m less important to him than what he’s doing.”
Of course that’s not true, but perhaps it’s not entirely false. Nothing in this world could ever be more important to me than my children. But let’s take a closer look at what really happened. If I’m being perfectly honest with myself, I would have to admit that in the heat of the moment, I placed more value on getting dinner completed than on my son’s feelings. I justified my behavior by thinking that what I was doing was really important, that he’ll get over it soon enough and probably forget it even happened.
That’s what we do right? We rationalize; we try to convince ourselves that there’s a good reason to do a bad thing.
But there is only way to describe my behavior: selfish! It’s so easy to get caught up in what we’re doing and put ourselves first.
So who are your children’s competitors?
Maybe you’ve never had a similar incident with raw fish, but there’s a good chance you can relate to my story. What competes with your child for your attention?...a hobby?....career?....television? We all have a plethora of things in our lives pandering for our attention, and many of them are legitimate. But that’s not the point. We need to demonstrate to our kids through our actions that our love is unconditional. They only know what we show. We do this by making the most of the opportunities we have with them, and quite simply putting their feelings before our own selfish wants and desires.
If I had a second chance, I would forget about trying to form a perfect sushi roll and focus more on involving him in the process and just have fun with it! Wouldn’t that send a different message to an impressionable child?
The great news is that we do have second chances….and third, and fourth, and fifth chances. It’s never too late to change. It’s never too late to improve a relationship. Kids are very forgiving, that’s probably why we take their feelings for granted so often. But there comes a point in a relationship where too many withdrawals from the emotional bank account result in bitterness and a loss of trust. Let’s not let that happen with our children. We love them too much. Let’s make sure we show it.
I'd be interested to hear your take on this. Maybe your a sushi freak and see nothing wrong with it. Please comment below.
Pets, Poops, and the Afterlife
When my oldest son Grayson was three years old he had a pet goldfish that had unfortunately met his demise. This was his first experience with death and gave his mother and I the opportunity to explain how our time on earth comes to an end, the afterlife, and God’s Love for His creatures. After discussing this for a while we made sure to emphasize that his goldfish was in a better place and would be happy in heaven. We then went to the bathroom to give the beloved fish a proper burial. Tears fell from Grayson’s face as he watched his pet swirl around the commode until finally disappearing into the abyss.
Grayson seemed somber for the remainder of the day, but the next morning he was back to his normal chipper self. Being newly potty trained, he still required assistance when using the bathroom so when the time came, his Mom accompanied him to the potty. After finishing his business he stood up, flushed the toilet, and promptly exclaimed “Yeah, my poo-poo is going to heaven!”
We still laugh about that one to this day!
Have any cool little stories from your family?
3 Steps to Curing ‘Daydreaming Dad Syndrome’
Giddy-up Dad!
“Hey Dad…..Dad…..Daaaaaaaaad!”
I know when I’ve heard that for the second or third time I’m suffering from a case of ‘daydreaming dad syndrome’, or DDS for short. I'm in the same room with them, but mentally I'm not with them at all. They're playing on the floor and I'm sitting on the couch thinking about what’s for dinner, stuff at work, a cool blog idea, or anything else except what’s going on in their lives at that moment. What’s completely baffling is that I do this despite the fact that there is nothing on earth I’d rather be doing than spending quality time with my wife and kids. How can I insure that I stay present? How can I make the most of the precious time I have with my kids?
Here are 3 Steps to Curing the ‘Daydreaming Dad Syndrome’:
1. Eliminate the Distraction
Let's turn the TV off, put the Blackberry down, close the laptop and stop daydreaming….there is a time and place for those things, and there’s a time and place for our children to have our undivided attention. The first step in having quality time with our kids is to remove the things that divert our attention away from them. They can feel it too….can't they? I have had my two year old daughter position herself beside me while I was typing a work email on the blackberry and place her little hands on my cheeks and literally turn my head away from it so I was looking at her. Talk about a wake-up call! The truth is that the email can be sent later, the show can be TiVo’d, and the laptop’s not going anywhere…..it’s time to be present.
2. Have a “Yes” Mentality
“Dad can you read me a book?” “Dad will you play a board game with me?” “Dad, come check this out!” “Dad can you find batteries for my game?” “Dad, will you come ride bikes with me?”
What’s your first thought? Is it to look for the first excuse to say "no"? We always find excuses….actually we always use the same two don’t we? It’s either we’re too tired, or we don’t have time.
Let’s see:
- Am I too tired to let my child know how important they are to me?
- Am I really too busy to spare a few minutes of my time so I can get closer to my kid?
I’m sorry to say this, but I know how I'll answer when they’re grown and gone.
Dads, we need to have a “Yes” mentality. Sure, there are times when “no” is the legitimate answer, but I’m not talking about that. It’s the way we think about spending time with our kids. We need to see every appeal for our time as an opportunity. One that if taken advantage of, brings happiness and strong family bonds; and one that if consistently missed breeds resentment and regret.
3. Get Engaged
Grab some toys, jump in, and start playing with them. Learn the theme song to their favorite show and sing it with them. Tell them they can have anything they want for breakfast next Saturday and cook it for them. Built a fort out of sofa cushions and sheets and hang out in it with them. Make sock puppets and have a crazy puppet show from behind the couch with them. Get to know them; be on their level; remember what it was like to only worry about one thing: finding the perfect Lego piece to finish a cool monster robot. Sometimes I go weeks without rolling around on the floor with them like a big idiot. When I realize I’ve been a grown up for way too long and start acting crazy again, their faces light up. It’s like, ‘hey, cool….dad’s back!’ That should never happen. I should never spend a day with them without being fully engaged in their lives.
Dads, there’s no debating the fact that we have a lot on our plate. There are many distractions, we are genuinely busy, and yes even tired most of the time. But the reality is that our children see how we spend time with them as a reflection of our love. They can’t see what’s going on inside our heads, all they can see is Dad sitting there not paying any attention to me….and it hurts.
Here’s a challenge to us all, especially myself: Let’s live every day with our children as though it were our last. Let’s live every moment so when we look back when they are grown and gone we have no regrets. It’s my testimony that the spiritual and emotional welfare of our family is paramount. Our children have to know how important they are to us, they have to understand their inherent value, and they have to know they are loved by their dads. They will need all of the confidence and courage we can help them obtain, and it all begins with Lego’s and sock puppets.
As always I'm interested in what you think. Have you ever struggled with this? What have you found that helps you stay present when spending time with your children?
Modern Technology: Blessing or Curse in the Home? Part 2-Video Games: Playing With Fire?
Part 2- Video Games: Playing With Fire?
How does gaming effect you and your children?
Let’s start by reading the following REAL comments from people whose lives have been destroyed by an addiction to……video games? Sound crazy? Prepare to be blown away!
“I have been playing the game the best part of two years and I wasn't fully acknowledged with the problem until my husband didn't want me to return home from my away-from-home job over Christmas.….the (game) environment is something I will miss, but this is my first attempt at giving up, hopefully my only attempt. …my husband and I are attending marriage guidance. I hope this will work out because I love him... I’m just torn between him and the game right now. Living in this motel won't be much fun, but will be my short term accommodation providing I can give it up.”
“My husband is addicted to WOW(World of Warcraft video game). He's been playing on and off for almost 5 years but it is worse than ever. It's like an alcoholic who can't resist another drink. He neglects me, our kids, he has no friends outside of "ventrilo" and he actually admits he needs to play it to feel calm and relaxed. What do I do?”
“I finally quit (the game) back in September '09 after several failed attempts. I miss it sometimes but not enough to risk damaging my life and relationship as much as I did over 5 years of playing. Since I quit my wife has come back (she left for almost a year in 2008), I spend time with my friends and family…and am trying to develop a better relationship with my 2 sons whom I virtually ignored while I was addicted…”
This addiction is as severe as that of any narcotic! Yes, these are real people with real families and are not isolated incidents. This one site, http://www.wowdetox.com/, has over 2,000 pages full of comments just like these! It literally brought tears to my eyes to read about the destructive forces of video game addiction in these people’s “RL’s” (real lives).
How does this apply to You?
Ok, so maybe you don’t currently find yourself separated from your spouse, isolated from your kids, or living in a Super 8 Hotel on the corner because of video games. Granted, that’s pretty extreme. But even though these dramatic experiences may not describe your situation, it’s likely that video games play some role in your life.
Here’s the thing: I’ve seen the effects of video game abuse in my life. I’ve seen grown men with families literally spend dozens of hours in front of the screen, staying up alone all night on a regular basis, rendered catatonic the following day and unable to fulfill their responsibilities. I’ve seen people turn to a fantasy world of gaming as a way to hide from the realities of life, for literally years at a time, and become more and more reclusive as they lose the inability to interact with people in real world settings. As they watch their friends disappear, their health decline, and their social skills go down the toilet, they progressively become more discouraged and lose hope of ever succeeding in the real world. I’ve seen little children exposed to explicit content contained in games for adults…and even become proficient players of those games. The one thing I haven’t seen is a person who found true happiness in mastering a video game.
The purpose of this article is to give us the courage to take a hard look in the mirror and honestly ask ourselves the 3 following questions:
- Do I spend too much time playing video games?
- What effect does it have on my family, career, and relationship with God?
- Does my family utilize video games ways that are healthy and uplifting?
Don’t mistake me here. Video games are awesome! They’re a great resource for us and our families when used in controlled and healthy ways. But they are also a tool used by the adversary to destroy families and turn our attention away from God.
How do I know if I have a problem?
Sometimes it’s hard to step on the scale, but a heartfelt and prayerful self assessment is never a bad thing. Take a moment to honestly answer the following yes/no questions:
- Do I constantly think about the game?
- Do I become angry when someone asks me to stop?
- Do I feel unhappy, cranky, or irritable when not playing?
- Do I ignore negative consequences to my family or career?
- Do I ignore promptings to reduce playing time or quit?
- Do I try to cut back on playing time but can’t?
- Do I spend more than 20 hours a week playing?
- Do my family and friends think I play too much?
Also, answer the following true/false questions:
- I’d rather play games than spend time with my spouse.
- I’d rather play games than spend time with my children.
- I’d rather play games than go to work or church.
- Now list the things you’d rather do than play video games.
Thanks to the National Institute on Media and the Family for partial use of their assessment tools. A full length version of this can be found here.
5 Tips for Healthy Video Game use in the Home:
1. WWJP: What Would Jesus Play?
The “WWJ_” questions always make it easy don’t they? But the reality is that CONTENT MATTERS! Before buying or borrowing a game check the game rating (see below) and reviews online. Take the time to learn what you or your kids will be interacting with for extended amounts of time. Did you know that only 17% of parents check the rating and warning labels of their children’s games? We have to do better than that!
2. Limit Playing Time
This one’s for Mom, Dad, and the kids. Set time limits and stick to them! As the steward of your home, you are the only one who can determine what a healthy amount of game play is for you and your family. 
3. No Games in the Kid’s Room.
49% of children have game systems in their room. Games in room = No control over play time or content. Enough said!
4. Homework and Chores first
This is about priorities; and can go for Mom and Dad too! Get those bills paid, help the kids with their homework, spend time with your spouse (ideally not considered a chore). But don’t neglect what we know we should be doing! Put first things first, as Steven Covey puts it.
5. Chuck the Bad Games NOW!
Chuck now, ask questions later. I can speak from personal experience on this one. I reached a point in my life where I knew I needed to part with the music I had been listening to for years. I threw out all of my music….every single CD. It was liberating! If there are games in your home that you know don’t belong there, take my word for it and part with them immediately. Will you feel like you’re throwing money away? Will you catch some flak from the kids?….absolutely. Just smile, and know you’re doing the will of the Lord….they’ll get over it. I promise you’ll be blessed as I was years ago.
How are Video Games Rated?
We need to familiarize ourselves with the rating system.
The ratings are as follows:
|
|
EC (Early Childhood): suitable for ages 3 and older. Contains no material that parents would find inappropriate. |
|
|
E (Everyone): suitable for persons ages 6 and older. Titles in this category may contain minimal cartoon, fantasy or mild violence and/or infrequent use of mild language. |
|
|
E10+ (Everyone 10 and older): content that may be suitable for persons ages 10 and older. Titles in this category may contain more cartoon, fantasy or mild violence, mild language, and/or minimal suggestive themes. |
|
|
T (Teen): suitable for ages 13 and older. Titles in this category may contain violence, suggestive themes, crude humor, minimal blood, simulated gambling, and/or infrequent use of strong language. |
|
|
M (Mature): have content that may be suitable for persons 17 years and older. Titles in this category may contain intense violence, blood and gore, sexual content, and/or strong language. |
|
|
AO (Adults Only): have content that should only be played by persons 18 years and older. Titles in this category may include prolonged scenes of intense violence and/or graphic sexual content and nudity. |
|
|
Title listed as RP (Rating Pending) has been submitted to the ESRB and is awaiting final rating. (This symbol appears only in advertising prior to a game's release.) |
Turn to God, Not Games!
The pursuit of happiness is the ambition of every single human being….ourselves, our spouses, our kids, everyone.
The question is:
Where do you look to find happiness?
What gives your life meaning and purpose?
I’m here to tell you that there’s only one source of true happiness, and that’s in a personal relationship with God. All other forms of worldly pleasure are pseudo-happiness and eventually fade away leaving us empty and alone….as we saw in the opening examples. Video games, although fun, will not bring us true joy or give any real meaning to our existence. We all have to cope with the realities of life. And I would submit that it’s when we feel most downtrodden; when we feel the most discouraged; when we feel as though we can’t cope with the reality of life; that we turn to the ultimate reality. That we turn to God, not Games.
As always, I’m interested to hear your take on this. Have you seen the effects of video game abuse in your life? What suggestions do you have? Have you ever parted with something personal to become closer to God?
To view part 1 of this series on Modern Technology in the Home titled “The Internet: Information Superhighway to Where?” click here.
Up next Part 3 of the series: TV and Movies: Quality Time or Quantity Time?
Don’t forget to subscribe to receive posts via email. Thanks!
Modern Technology: Blessing or Curse in the Home? Part 1: The Internet
Part 1: The Internet- Information Super Highway to Where?
by: Jason Hughes
- Where is the Internet taking your family?
Raising a family in today’s world is a trip! Our children are faced with challenges we couldn’t have dreamed of twenty years ago. As the information age rolls forth, parents need to decide whether they are going to confront the challenges presented by modern technology or bury their heads in the sand.
One thing’s for sure, unless we’re a sporting horse and buggy Amish style, technology will influence each member of our family in some way.
It’s up to us as parents and Christians to determine whether it will be a blessing or a curse in our home.
Each segment of this five-part series analyzes one facet of modern technology and its influence on today’s families. First, we’ll look at the Internet, then Gaming, TV and Movies, Social Media, and Texting. In each segment we’ll take a look at associated dangers, shocking statistics, and family guidelines for each of the facets. We’ll also analyze the benefits families can experience from using them in a healthy and controlled setting. As we traverse this series together, let’s seek inspiration from the Lord regarding our family’s unique circumstances and prayerfully resolve to make any changes we feel necessary.
We alone are the stewards of our homes, and no one else can or will take responsibility for what happens within its walls. We must decide where we stand on these critical issues and take proactive measures to insure we are fortified against the attack on the modern family.
The Internet- Information Super Highway to Where?
Did you know that the average American spends over 13 hours per week surfing the web?….and this is excluding email! This is more time then we spend eating and doing household chores combined!
That’s a huge investment of time and it begs certain questions:
How do you spend your time on the internet?
Do you know what your children are doing on the web?
Have you set any guidelines for internet use in your home?
What impact has the Internet had in your family?
Here are Some Alarming Statistics:
- 90% of Youth ages 15-17 report accidently coming across pornography online.
- 25% of all internet users “log on” for sexual purposes.
- Adults who consume pornography are THREE TIMES more likely to commit adultery.
- 56% of divorce cases, in one study, involved an obsessive interest in pornography.
- Internet sexual offenders report that 11 hours of their week are spent viewing child pornography.
- 1 in 5 teenagers report they have received an unwanted sexual solicitation on the web.
- 75% of children are willing to share personal information online.
- Only 25% of children report an online sexual solicitation to a parent or adult.
- 47% of Christians report porn is a major problem in the home.
The Dangers of Internet Use:
Talk about a wake-up call! Viewing those stats makes two things abundantly clear:
1. Pornography is an epidemic that destroys families.
2. Your child WILL come in contact with pornographic material online AND quite possibly be preyed upon!
The Family Killer
I have heard pornography referred to as a “victimless crime”. Try telling that to the children of a family torn apart by a parent’s addiction to porn. Ask the dad of that family about how it all started and he’ll tell you that it all started with a little curiosity and an “it can’t happen to me” mentality. It’s also apparent that Christians are not immune to this disease, and I have come across many studies that show it’s even a significant problem among clergy. No one is beyond the reaches of its grasp.
The fact is that we all find ourselves in one of two camps regarding pornography:
We are either currently engaged in it
OR
We are tempted to engage in it.
Here are some tips designed to help:
Tips for Avoiding Pornography on the Web:
#1. Prepare yourself before going online.
Pray for strength, give yourself a pep-talk, and know that you will be challenged. If you’re tired, sick, or otherwise weakened you may be especially vulnerable. Be prepared!
#2. Shoot down the first thought.
You know it’s coming…more frequently for some than others, but its coming. You know what I’m talking about, that initial temptation. It may hit you before you even get online. Shoot it down without hesitation and move on. Then smile…you just kicked the devil in the nads!
#3. Move on quickly.
You know if it’s bad stuff when you see it. Don’t sit there and stare at a link, advertisement, or whatever. What are you doing? You’re not going down that road….move on, forget it! The longer you think about it, the higher the probability you’ll get into trouble.
#4. Listen to the Holy Spirit, your conscience, or whatever you want to call it.
I don’t care what you say; there is a point when you are clearly told to STOP! And that command comes from somewhere outside yourself. Do yourself and your family a huge favor: don’t second guess it, don’t rationalize it, and don’t justify it. JUST STOP!
#5. Even if you succumb, it’s never too late to leave a site.
One of Satan’s best tools is “well, I’ve already taken the plunge, might as well enjoy the water!” NOT TRUE! That’s how you go from a temporary moment of weakness to DESTROYING YOUR FAMILY! We are all weak, our Heavenly Father knows that. We can be forgiven of the sin regardless of what we do but that doesn’t erase the earthly consequences of our actions. This flawed way of thinking is as irrational as thinking it’s as easy to remove a tiny spot of ink from a shirt as it is a shirt dunked in a tub of wine!
Prepare Your Children!
As demonstrated earlier, you’re not the only one who has to deal with this stuff. We’re adults and we struggle with it, could you imagine how difficult it has to be for teenagers with their unbridled passion for life! We have to prepare them for what’s sure to come. I like the following quote that came from the “Internet Guide for Parents” at www.frc.org.
“Hello, Son. You’ve probably noticed that big cardboard box in the middle of your bedroom floor. As you’ve heard, it contains a bunch of Playboy and Penthouse magazines. Underneath those are hardcore magazines. Underneath those are hardcore magazines contain¬ing some of the worst kind of hardcore sexual imagery available in the world, including illegal child por¬nography—you’ve probably been curious about what “hardcore” looks like, haven’t you?
Well, here’s the deal: don’t look in the box….
…You’re 15 now; old enough to spend significant time home alone as your Mom and I go on various errands and events, and your brother and sister are involved in their activities. Of course, there is no way I would know if you looked in the box. In fact, you could safely remove quite a few issues and keep them elsewhere—I wouldn’t notice. But please: don’t look in the box.
I realize that as a teenager, your sexual drive is stron¬ger now than at any other time in your life. So, not only will curiosity fuel your desire to look in the box, but your hormones will be begging you to do so as well. And once, when you tripped on the box and one issue tumbled out, what you saw as you hurriedly put it back ignited your interest. It took every bit of willpower you had to not flip through the issue in your hands.
But no matter what: don’t look in the box.”
From the Family research Council: http://downloads.frc.org/EF/EF07H24.pdf
How are we preparing our kids for this?
How are we preparing them for the attack of child predators?
It doesn’t have to be difficult; all we need to do is the following:
1. Recognize the need for concern.
2. Give prayerful consideration.
3. Set some family guidelines
4. Have a family discussion.
Here are 6 Guidelines for safe internet use in the home:
1. Place the computer in central location in your home.
2. Set time limits and enforce them!
3. Clearly define allowable content and forbidden content.
4. Kids Share no personal information
5. Kids Tell parents of anything that makes them uncomfortable.
6. Kids Never respond to messages from someone they don’t know.
But Boy, aint it Great!
Notwithstanding all of its inherent challenges, the Internet can be a wonderful blessing when used in a healthy and controlled setting. In retrospect, I can’t imagine the world without it.
Some of ways the Internet can bless the lives of families include:
• Online college courses
• Online banking
• Wholesome games
• Home School programs
• Connecting with Family and Friends
• Unlimited applications for the small business
• Various ways to generate income
• Research
• Music and Videos
There’s no denying that the internet is a powerful influence in the world and especially the modern family. Its contents are a mirror image of our society and therefore are a great source of virtue and vice. We alone, must determine how it will impact our homes.
As always, I’m anxious to hear your thoughts on the matter:
What have you found to work well in your home?
Have you managed to find balance with this difficult topic?
What guidelines have you set for your family?
Next in this series on Modern Technology: Blessing or Curse in the Home, we’ll tackle the topic of Gaming- Are You Playing with Fire? Please subscribe below to receive it and all the latest posts via email. Until then, thanks and God Bless!
